Introduction: It's Not About Communication
'We make it a point to ask the women in our workshops and therapy how making men talk about relationship has worked in the past. Most say something like "It didn't work, because he can't communicate. He gets angry, defensive, or impatient. He's just not interested."
Well, it turns out that when it comes to "talking about relationship," men know something that most women don't. Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clininal experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better. And it has nothing to do with your partner's lack of interest or "poor communication skills."
Women want to talk about the relationship bacause they're upset and want to feel better. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and DISCONNECTED.
This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart.
We believe the chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame, a difference that is observable shortly after birth.
This subtle difference is inherent in the question "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason the woman wants to talk about it - beneath the resentment and frustration - is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid.
The real reason the man doesn't want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame.
When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Your relationship can fail with neither of you doing anything wrong, if you do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive your disconnection from each other. Understanding each other core's vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship - a dual perspective based on both points of view - that leads to compassionate connection and love beyond words.'
Teks ini telah diperolehi melalui penulisan Patricia Love dan Steven Stosny daripada buku mereka iaitu 'Why Women Talk And Men Walk'. Perkongsian kali ini berkisar tentang perhubungan antara lelaki dan perempuan yang aku anggap penting untuk diketahui dan difahami agar masalah komunikasi dapat dielakkan. Barangkali atas sebab itu, penulis-penulis buku ini memulakan bab pengenalan dalam buku ini dengan tajuk 'It's Not About Communication' kerana dalam perhubungan dan komunikasi antara lelaki dan perempuan, kedua-dua pihak perlu mengetahui dan memahami perkara dan perspektif yang berbeza daripada kaum yang bukan sejenis. Kaum perempuan perlu mengetahui dan memahami cara kaum lelaki berfikir, berperasaan dan bertindak. Manakala kaum lelaki perlu mengetahui dan memahami cara kaum perempuan berfikir, berperasaan dan bertindak.
Segalanya bermula daripada pengetahuan yang mencetuskan kefahaman. Moga dengan kefahaman yang dimiliki, kita dapat bertindak dengan sebaik-baiknya dalam menyelamatkan perhubungan yang menjadi fitrah keperluan setiap insan.
Teks ini telah diambil secara langsung daripada buku 'Why Women Talk and Men Walk', halaman 1 hingga 2. Tidak mungkin dan tidak akan aku terjemahkan teks ini dalam bahasa Melayu meskipun blog aku telah aku cipta dalam bahasa Melayu. Memandangkan teks ini merupakan sebuah perkongsian, moga tetamu-tetamu blog Nurani Nurain dapat beroleh pengetahuan dan kefahaman yang baik dan jelas.
'We make it a point to ask the women in our workshops and therapy how making men talk about relationship has worked in the past. Most say something like "It didn't work, because he can't communicate. He gets angry, defensive, or impatient. He's just not interested."
Well, it turns out that when it comes to "talking about relationship," men know something that most women don't. Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clininal experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better. And it has nothing to do with your partner's lack of interest or "poor communication skills."
Women want to talk about the relationship bacause they're upset and want to feel better. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and DISCONNECTED.
This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart.
We believe the chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame, a difference that is observable shortly after birth.
This subtle difference is inherent in the question "Do we talk about the relationship or not?" The real reason the woman wants to talk about it - beneath the resentment and frustration - is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid.
The real reason the man doesn't want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame.
When they try to alleviate their feelings of vulnerability in opposite ways - by talking and not talking - all they end up sharing are disappointment and heartache.
Your relationship can fail with neither of you doing anything wrong, if you do not understand the extent to which fear and shame drive your disconnection from each other. Understanding each other core's vulnerabilities and learning how to manage them will give you a new perspective on your relationship - a dual perspective based on both points of view - that leads to compassionate connection and love beyond words.'
Teks ini telah diperolehi melalui penulisan Patricia Love dan Steven Stosny daripada buku mereka iaitu 'Why Women Talk And Men Walk'. Perkongsian kali ini berkisar tentang perhubungan antara lelaki dan perempuan yang aku anggap penting untuk diketahui dan difahami agar masalah komunikasi dapat dielakkan. Barangkali atas sebab itu, penulis-penulis buku ini memulakan bab pengenalan dalam buku ini dengan tajuk 'It's Not About Communication' kerana dalam perhubungan dan komunikasi antara lelaki dan perempuan, kedua-dua pihak perlu mengetahui dan memahami perkara dan perspektif yang berbeza daripada kaum yang bukan sejenis. Kaum perempuan perlu mengetahui dan memahami cara kaum lelaki berfikir, berperasaan dan bertindak. Manakala kaum lelaki perlu mengetahui dan memahami cara kaum perempuan berfikir, berperasaan dan bertindak.
Segalanya bermula daripada pengetahuan yang mencetuskan kefahaman. Moga dengan kefahaman yang dimiliki, kita dapat bertindak dengan sebaik-baiknya dalam menyelamatkan perhubungan yang menjadi fitrah keperluan setiap insan.
Teks ini telah diambil secara langsung daripada buku 'Why Women Talk and Men Walk', halaman 1 hingga 2. Tidak mungkin dan tidak akan aku terjemahkan teks ini dalam bahasa Melayu meskipun blog aku telah aku cipta dalam bahasa Melayu. Memandangkan teks ini merupakan sebuah perkongsian, moga tetamu-tetamu blog Nurani Nurain dapat beroleh pengetahuan dan kefahaman yang baik dan jelas.
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